Tag Archives for " emotions "

The Core Emotional Healing® (CEH) Model & Why It Works

Through the Core Emotional Healing® (CEH) Process, my clients connect deeply to their true selves, their authentic emotions and desires. They discover the ways in which their childhood needs weren’t met and how childhood relationships are impacting their lives today — from many physical symptoms, to depression and anxiety, addiction, dysfunctional relationship patterns, and more…

The CEH Process is built around the Core Emotional Healing® Model which my wife Elicia Miller created and I helped to further develop.

In this video, she explains the CEH Model and discuss why CEH works.¹

The focus on the “Core” in CEH indicates that the main emphasis is on the source, the origin, of your suffering, while also addressing all of the resulting levels indicated in the diagram.

As can be seen in the video and as described below, there are dynamic interactions between the levels of the CEH model, all unique for each individual. This multilevel inclusion, representing the major schools of psychology, are one thing that make CEH unique, effective and efficient.

After learning about CEH, you will see why what you’ve tried or have been relying on hasn’t fully helped you heal your chronic emotional and/or physical symptoms, and also the relationship patterns and other behaviors that are creating more suffering for you. That said, a lot of modalities complement the CEH process.

The reason why it’s hard to focus on what hurt you and to express that hurt now is because your hurt was ignored, denied, and even shamed. It was just too painful. Though you may feel that your parents were there for you in every way, because they were not taught to feel and express their own feelings, you were emotionally abandoned by them, and this resulted in an emotional disconnection from yourself.

For example, let’s say as a child, your father or sibling keeps hurting you so you cry and tell your mom about it and she changes the subject to make you ignore it and “feel better”. This is how she learned to deal with her feelings, so she can’t be present for yours. As a result, you learned to suppress your true feelings just to “be okay” and stay busy and distracted, and even to remain connected with your family so as not to feel abandoned, but your feelings were abandoned.

This example begins with your core wounds of abuse and neglect, which result in suppression of your memory and emotions. In turn, you then form a limiting belief that your feelings don’t matter and protect yourself so you do not feel.

One way you may do this is to stay busy, which protects you from feeling your emotions and fear of being abandoned, which can also result in intimacy issues. You may go through life either avoiding relationships or staying in abusive or distant relationships. It is also common to develop chronic anxiety and/or depression, as well as digestive issues or other physical symptoms from all of the repression.

As a child, if your caregivers, who are supposed to care for you and keep you safe, are not only neglecting and/or abusing you, but also ignoring your feelings about the neglect and abuse — representing further neglect — you do not learn to mentally or emotionally process any of it. So, your memories and emotions of those experiences get repressed, and go into your subconscious supporting your limiting beliefs, defenses, and adaptations.

Because of this, you make decisions and unknowingly act out from your trauma, unconsciously, which in turn reinforces your limiting beliefs, and so on in a repeating and self-fulfilling cycle. In addition, you may continue to try to feel safe and loved from others who repeat similar patterns as your family, or the extreme opposite.

These patterns will repeat until you feel and heal your childhood wounds.

As another example, if your parents modeled, implied, and/or directly told you in various ways that you need to be perfect, then they often negated how you truly are, what you feel and what you want.

Some self-absorbed parents even want you to just be there for them, instead of them supporting you. Because your parents only accepted you if you lived up to an external standard, you came to feel there was something wrong with your true self and you deep down believe there is something wrong with you, creating a shame-based self.

The result is that you will feel unlovable just being yourself. You may then try to gain the love you always wanted by striving for perfection, while all the while, underneath, feeling there is something lacking in who you are. You will attract people in your life, who, like your parents, are highly critical or unavailable to you in the ways you need.

This repeating pattern reinforces the negative beliefs about yourself and of others. You are caught in a pattern of doing anything for love and approval, trying to please people who mistreat and/or neglect you like your parents, doing whatever they want you to do, while neglecting your needs. These patterns can fuel chronic yeast infections, an eating disorder, and obsessive behaviors.

The adaptations, protections, and beliefs are mostly in your subconscious, so you don’t know why you are doing it, and you can’t stop.

You may wonder why you keep attracting the same kinds of dysfunctional relationships.

In an effort to heal your physical symptoms, you may focus on eating a sugar free diet and taking antifungals to get rid of your yeast infections but no matter what you do they never go away and you feel worse about yourself because you feel like a failure.

Some of this can even become self-punishing, like doing water fasts because you blame yourself for eating the wrong things, thinking that’s why your symptoms aren’t going away.

Nobody in your life can understand what you are going through, your family thinks it’s all in your head, and your partner continues to blame you.

The only comfort you have is food but you can’t eat what you want, and emotionally, you are in a vicious cycle of shame, guilt, hopelessness and despair.

You think to yourself “There must be something wrong with me”, but there actually isn’t, you just have repressed hurt from childhood that needs to be fully felt and healed.

Sounds simple, maybe even easy, but it’s not because your defenses and protections that helped you feel safe from the emotional pain as a child are now getting in the way of you healing that same pain.

When you start the CEH process, your defenses may even get stronger, that is why you have to work with skilled practitioners, like myself and Doug, who specialize in supporting you to move through your resistance in order to heal the root of your suffering so you can finally find relief and receive the support you’ve always needed.

You will then feel safe and empowered to express your true self and gifts, get your real needs met, and obtain the fulfillment that you always have wanted.

By focusing on the core, and what happened to you in childhood, and healing on that level, it makes it so much easier to release all of the resulting patterns, symptoms, and behaviors that are also creating suffering.

When you are the one who validates and feels your childhood feelings that you had to deny and repress, and you are the one who heals the neglect and abuse, then you are the one supporting your inner child, vulnerability, clarity, and personal power.

When this happens, you live through your authentic self, you know when your needs are and are not being met, and you know how to go about getting them met.

In turn, you develop deep heartfelt connections, realize your gifts, and live more fully with joy!

¹ While CEH works for most everyone, it is not recommended for individuals with Bipolar Disorder, or with Borderline, Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorders. If you have been diagnosed with, or think you may have one of these conditions, please see a mental health practitioner.
 

Insights From The Field*: Receiving Love Is Just As Important As Giving Love

We’ve all heard “it’s better to give than receive.”  While giving has many rewards, when it comes to our love lives, the biggest, often overlooked and obvious factor in relationship fulfillment is the ability to receive love.

It’s difficult to receive love because in the past, it was not the love we gave that hurt us most, but the love we didn’t receive, and so it is more risky.  The source of this goes back to childhood and the various ways we were not loved or even acknowledged as children.

To be loved as a child is to have most of your experiences and emotions acknowledged.  This doesn’t mean that your parents approve of “bad behavior.” Rather, your parents help you realize that your behaviors are either appropriate or inappropriate while acknowledging your feelings.  This can occur in statements such as, “I know you want Johnny to share his candy, but it is not right for you to grab it from him.”  In short, with this acknowledgement of her desires, the child’s wants get mirrored back and integrated with the appropriate behavior.

In contrast, if the parents respond saying, “stop that, don’t be a bad girl,” this shames the child and the child will take it to mean that she is “bad” when she expresses her needs.  When such messages are repeated, as they often are in a shaming parenting style, over time, the child will have difficulty asking to have her needs met, or even allowing her needs to be met, including in adulthood.  In term of her sense of self, she may come to believe “there is something wrong with me, I am unlovable.”  

When emotions and needs are not mirrored, met and fulfilled, it hurts, and so those emotions are cast away.  We feel that those parts are unacceptable, and that we are not deserving of love. Because of the pain, those emotions are then protected.  So we don’t dare risk exposing the needs, and this keeps love out. Giving love involves much less risk, and so it is easier to give than receive love, but it is only half of the equation and is unfulfilling.

So, what can you do?  You can tune into the ways you do not let love in.  For example, when you are with your beloved or close friend, you can look inside and notice when you put up a wall, detach, don’t accept a compliment, and generally don’t settle into and receive what is being offered.  

With long-term relationships, both partners can get into a habitually distant pattern with one another, a sort of agreement “not to go there.”  It’s best when couples work on this together as both are contributing. Because there is a lot of sensitivity and vulnerability around the issues involved, often professional help is needed.  

In any situation, when your withdrawal persists, you may become aware of childhood memories of emotional neglect, shaming, and other negative interactions with your caregivers.  These are the actual source, and can be worked through in Experiential Therapy and other approaches that directly heal those experiences.  You may know that you are more open when the receiving causes you to feel a bit childlike and vulnerable.  When this happens, just pause, relax and receive, let it really sink into your heart. Know you are loved. Because it is so satisfying and fulfilling, it will get easier over time.  It will also get easier to ask for the love you really want.

 

To learn more about these and related topics, listen to our Intimacy Hour Radio Show.

_______________________

*”The Field” is meant in two ways: First, from the professional field of Transpersonal Psychology, how psychology and spirituality interact.  Second, it is my lived, often felt and intuited awareness of myself and others. Many of these insights come from my own personal experience and my “growing edge,” i.e., insights I am realizing for myself, about mine and other’s growth, and my interpretation of the realities of being human.  

The Men’s Group

Here is the group description for The Men’s Group on Facebook, included here to outline the values brought to my men’s work.

GROUP DESCRIPTION

~ There are many ways to be a man ~

“To be nobody but myself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me somebody else – means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.”
~ E. E. Cummings

This group is a men’s only group. It is a place where together, we will delve into our personal issues, problems, triumphs, etc.. as deeply experiencing men who have moved beyond, and want to expand, the traditional ways men have lived thus far. As such, it is not a “Men’s Rights Activists” group.

Anyone can post in this group or add members. Feel free to add anyone who you think may benefit and/or contribute.
No political posts or comments will be accepted, nor expressions of political stance.
Spiritual/ Religious posts and comments are only welcome as they are directly, clearly and strongly related to men’s issues.
Otherwise, political and spiritual posts and comments will be deleted.

Group Rule: What happens here stays here. While you can discuss your own experiences in the group, avoid any information that might identify another man, e.g., name, location, or attributes that might reveal identity. It may be a good thing to share some of what you experience here with your closest/intimate friends/partners. Nonetheless, even there, you can keep this group the safest place it can be, and this is a good way to practice boundaries and to lend strength and value to the group.

Everyone’s ideas about what men need to be our fullest and most fulfilled selves are welcome. Two of the basic values that will recur in this group are vulnerability and emotional facility, which have been deprived most men in our conditioning. So, think back about the messages you got about being vulnerable and emotional, how you got them, and if you like, share them here. A third basic value is connection and support, and that is what this group is for.

A fourth basic value for this group is our personal empowerment: Not power over, as tyrants, but power with one another. The principles of this group are designed to support increased authenticity, which is the source of personal power and alignment. As such, the spirit of this group is one of personal courage and strength in our vulnerability and emotions, while supporting others. It is likely that we have intended to use power in positive ways. Also, in the discussions we could separate the sort of entitled power bestowed by the patriarchy, from what feels like power that is genuine, deeper, personal and transpersonal or archetypal, and emerges from the authentic self, again, balanced with and informed by self-aware vulnerability that adds to our compassion.

This group adheres to a “no man left behind” policy. We will all move forward and liberate ourselves together. There will not be a shunning of any man for making a mistake or behaving in this or that way. In the past, at least one man left the group, but he returned, another who was aggressive and shaming, presenting the toxic masculine, did not return of his own choice. It is believed that we can all learn together and must learn to support one another through whatever arises from each individual. While it is encouraged to lead off and follow through any interaction with vulnerability, sometimes conflicts will arise. That said, any chronic and repeated patterns of disruption to the group principles could result in a temporary removal from the group. If things are again repeated, removal may last longer. By following the principles in the group description, no man will be left behind.